Bernescopes:

a new feature that will occur when i can find my godamn glasses.
email me at: bernesternstein@yahoo.com
i will tell you what your momma would’nt.
ARIES: spend less time on the pot (either kind), life is too short.especially yours. the haze is in your head.
LEO: if you keep gossiping like have been, somebody is gonna strap a funnel gag on you and show you what that hole is for. nip it in the bud will ya.
SAGI: terrible things happen to those who wait, but in this case, exercise caution until your jelly brain realizes what is really important. hint: it ain’t in your pants. if your too stupid to wait make sure to bag the bishop.
TAURUS: a wise man once said “boogers ain’t food.” Try a glass of carrot juice to deal with those insecurities.
VIRGO: yes your fab. yes your honest, yes your hardworking. no one cares jackass. do it for yourself not to yourself vainster.
CAPRI: all those lazy days are about to payoff. make sure your not asleep when the bitch is knocking on the door.
GEM: of course your smarter than everyone else, but see virgo’s. life is lonely when your an a-hole.
LIBRA: your mother is sometimes right, i know she is sedated, but sedation works for at least a minute, and you left to your own devices right now ain’t pretty. think amputee clown vacation. thats right.
AQUA: heed strong advice from a lesbian. you know who you are.
CANCER: why are you the only one who can’t see that you dress like a turd going to the chevron bowl. step it up and maybe you can stop crying in your godamn soup.
SCORP: enough is enough, leave a crumb for someone else before you choke on it all. i still am not sure why your sign exists, but since it does, show some humanity before the world goes rwandan on you. and you do deserve it!
PISCES: keep on keeping on, life is your oyster, but with arms like that you can’t get the stinking beast open. hit the gym double time and get ready for pearls. p.s. your fish smells like pussy, be sure to hit the showers after pumping up!