Aries- Life is, you are, so stop and smell the glove. Your hottentotyness is making everyone around you swoon, but you seem way too concerned with your socks….they just keep you from getting blisters and crud in your toenails…they aren’t skin.
Taurus- Like Ford, it worked for a while. your model needs updating. try something a little more flashy…hang a tit, track wild game or at least stop wearing that hat.
Gemini- While we all know the world revolves around you, get some humility before you find yourself talking to your privates. people can only handle so much of a good thing. clue up and you will find what you are REALLY looking for.
Cancer- While you are a generally homey and sweet sign, your name defines your behavior lately. your like a huge black tumor oozing green bile in the middle of the room. go back to that delicate homebody that didn’t make everyone want to evicerate you.
Leo- Its tick and flea season and you’ve let your grooming(finacial,spiritual,literal?) go. yuck. get it together because you smell like ass.
Virgo- No it isn’t YOUR party. people always crash and if they drink all the booze and piss in you closet, smile clean it up and wait for the day when your metaphysical location will make your party so uncrashable you won’t even come. think about it.
Libra- Liars never prosper, well they do but they don’t ever really enjoy the fruit of their ill gotten spoils. swallow your meds, tell the truth and enjoy your punishment. you might. enjoy it i mean..
Scorpio- Stop feeding off me. and everyone else too. how can one person be so need and dismissive all at once? oh yea, your a scorpio. if this seems harsh, fuck you. howzit feel bra?
Sagi- Whats your sign again? Hmmm forgettable lately. like you. step up and tell everyone you know and don’t that you are the shit. listen, if virgos wanna eat you, you must be tasty! get it on, get it going NOW. you are wasting what we all wanna be tasting. (good first step is sending me nude pics)
capri- patience is whats called for. if you have to put your head inside a bucket and fill it with cement to keep you meat hole shut, do it now before you fuck up a good thing. constant motion is only for the ocean. you need to chill and know that it will be revealed and you shall bask in all you NEED.
Aqua- nothing to say to you. you are either doing great or horrible but either way your deaf right now so i’ll save my breath for when you can stop watching the tv. i feel empty so i hope you WAKE UP.
Pisces- fish are so interesting. so are gaffs. realize you garner lots of attention. make it the kind you need and not a big metal hook (gaff) through your skull. you are so lovable, you cuddle and are sweet so stop pushing people and putting gum in their hair when they aren’t lookin. i am and i see it. you know what i mean. nuff said.
Bernest is available for readings. i do know whats up. you sure you want to?
