I find myself in such a strange place. I don’t mean in terms of where I physically am – I’m back in Otaru, Japan at my house, Satoshi Manor. I mean it’s a strange place to be mentally, emotionally, spiritually. China was such an unexpected joy. I made some great friends in a very short time. I unexpectedly met a woman that I emotionally connected with in a way that I wasn’t expecting or looking for, and I also really connected with the city of Shanghai – which probably surprised me more than anything. Not just Shanghai, but Chinese people, culture, and lifestyle. I left China on a sort of traveler’s high.
Probably the weather had something to do with it too. It was already spring in Shanghai. I loved the winter in Hokkaido, but it wasn’t easy. The masses of snow, the seemingly constant shoveling, the battling with the cold to stay warm – I loved all of that and I loved the skiing, the snowshoeing, the daily discovery of new things and sort of witnessing the touristic lifecycle of Otaru in winter. I developed some strong friendships over the winter here. Coming back from Spring in Shanghai, Winter had one last hurrah here with a blanketing of several inches of snow to make everything beautiful and then I was off to the USA.
My USA trip started before I even left Hokkaido. I met two very fun Japanese women while waiting in the security line in Sapporo then we unexpectedly ran into each other waiting for our flight to Honolulu in Tokyo and only then realized we were all going to the same place. Now, with no disparagement, I should probably not mention that I think this was a sort of ‘working holiday’ for these girls and their nights were fully booked but we agreed to meet up and spend a day together while I was there. It wasn’t a professional meeting but just new friends hanging out and exploring Hawaii together which was probably nice for them. This was sort of perfect for me because the main reason to be in Hawaii was to spend time with my daughter in between a three day trip to Arizona for my late father’s memorial. My daughter had school during the days I was there so it was fun to share a bit of time with these funny new friends. I had planned to stay with my daughter and her mom but they came down with flu just before I arrived and I didn’t want to carry that to Arizona so ended up crashing at my friend Til’s studio apartment. It was super gracious of him to make space for me. He is on a funny schedule and is doing some work from 3am to 6am in his tiny studio. So as not to disrupt my sleep, he moved his work into his bathroom. That’s some serious friendship! Sadly, I’m a light sleeper so that didn’t keep me from having terrible sleep. Money is starting to get tight for me otherwise I would have booked a hotel room, but frankly – I’m actually starting to get a little freaked out about my finances and $250-$300 per night in a hotel wasn’t something I could afford. The roundtrip flight from Sapporo to Tokyo to Honolulu to Phoenix to Tucson was already costing me more than I would normally be comfortable spending and when you throw in rental cars and the high cost of food in the USA – just eeek. I’m sort of freaking out just thinking about it. Credit cards but uh-oh – don’t think about the future, don’t think about the future….
It was great to spend time with my daughter. She was over the flu quickly and I didn’t catch it from spending time with her. We met up for dinner with an old friend of mine from college and on another day after school went to see the Minecraft movie with her friends. Food costs and other expenses continually blew my mind. At one point I ordered a hamburger from a restaurant for $12 and when it was delivered realized that it didn’t include fries or side or anything – it was just a hamburger on a bun on a plate and the tax and suggested tip quickly pushed the price to around $18. I thought to save a few bucks by buying a meal in a gas station convenience store of a juice, a stick of beef jerky, and a musubi – $11. What the actual fuck?
So then it was off to Arizona where a series of badly coordinated planning sessions led to me land in Phoenix roughly two hours from where the memorial was taking place. There was no invitation to stay in my late-father’s big house so my sister and I went in on an AirBnB, the awful rental car company in Phoenix had pulled a huge bait and switch on me and the $24/day e-vehicle I had rented transmuted into a $75/day plus taxes and fees (NEVER RENT FROM NU CAR) and at the end they tried to hit me with a $125 fuel charge despite my having filled up the tank before returning it. The memorial itself had collapsed due to egos, pride, and caustic personalities. I had flown half way around the world three months after my father’s death for a boomer cocktail hour consisting of three couples who had known him for a couple of years. They discussed Trump’s tariffs and how they were affecting their retirement accounts and seemed annoyed when my sister wanted to read a sort of eulogy she had written for him. My step-mother told us that there was a will but it was only going to be read after she had also passed on by prior agreement with my father. I found that odd but whatever, I wasn’t there for things but it would have been nice to have a moment of “Your dad wanted you to have this” or “It was important to your dad that he take care of his grandkids…” kind of thing. That second bit would have been like a redemption. My relationship with my dad was what it was but as a father myself, I’ve never been able to understand it. Also, taking care of grandkids with college funds or something like that – who doesn’t do that if they are able to? My dad had always been coldly clear that he wouldn’t leave me anything in terms of money or wealth so I wasn’t there for that. There was one thing he’d always promised would be mine after he died however, a pocket watch that had belonged to my great grandfather – it didn’t make an appearance – just like my father’s friends and family never made an appearance at his memorial. Just like the other promises he had made to me in life never materialized. My stepmother gave me some of his old socks and sweaters – which was what was leftover from the garage sale she had already had. She asked my sister and I to go help clean the rental house she was selling before we came to the memorial. I found all of it really odd. There was more that was odd, but overall – with the exception of getting to spend some quality time with my favorite uncle and his family (he refused to come to the Boomer Cocktail Hour) it definitely wasn’t any sort of emotional closure or anything of that sort. Most of all it was just pain stacked on pain stacked on pain. Constant reminders of unfulfilled promises and neglect. When the words “I wanted it to hurt you,” were spoken to me at one point, I had to fully come to terms with a lot of things that I had tried to rationalize or deny that were no longer deniable or rationalizable. I made the long drive back to Phoenix to return my rental car and my flight was delayed for hours. The Phoenix airport was an unpleasant microcosm of America. Overweight baby boomers stuffing their faces with overpriced badly made food filled with carcinogenic ingredients. I watched a couple of movies on the Southwest flight back to Hawaii and found no joy or satisfaction in them – they were badly made movies from badly made scripts on badly serviced flights. I probably shouldn’t share any of this but I’m beyond caring at this point.
A few more days in Honolulu where I saw a few more old friends and was able to spend some really great time with my daughter. I wish I had just skipped Arizona. I thought I would connect with family and have some healing from the trauma my dad inflicted on me in this life. I thought I would be surrounded by people who I had known as a child who had been witness to his life and our relationship. No. It honestly just felt like one more painfully huge disappointment in a relationship that was filled with disappointments and unfulfilled promises. I felt like I had been thrown in a pool of toxic waste sewage and my entire consciousness was coated in it. So gross. The ocean in Hawaii washed a bit of it off. The love and affection of my daughter washed off a bit more. The degrading nature of the reaction somehow served to make it easier for me and my ex-wife to spend time together. I stayed with her and my daughter for two nights and we had pleasant conversation and interactions for which I am so grateful.
Leaving Hawaii, it was a pleasure to arrive back in Japan. Hawaiian Airlines flights arrive at Haneda and it was too late to take a flight to Sapporo, a train to Otaru, and a taxi home so I would have to get a hotel somewhere. I opted for the slightly expensive Airport hotel with an onsen spa that is tattoo friendly, the Hotel Villa Grand Fontaine Haneda Airport. It was more than I ever spend on a hotel but it was worth it. I soaked and steamed for hours, slept like a baby, and then soaked and steamed some more before catching my flight to Sapporo, train to Otaru, and taxi up the mountain to Satoshi Manor. Every trip to Hawaii is a chance to bring my ‘important’ possessions to Satoshi Manor from my storage unit in Hawaii. This time it was a heavy Buddha statue, books, and some collectibles along with my late-father’s sweaters and socks. I wonder if the Ugg boots just didn’t sell at the garage sale. I mean, who needs Uggs in Arizona? The onsen sessions felt like they had washed the sludge off of me. On the flight to Sapporo I was coordinating with one of my dearest friends who is on a trip to Japan with her daughter and a friend. Their plans were fluid and I suggested they come up and spend a few days…So they did. That day. It was funny when I realized that she was talking about coming up that day and then funny when she realized I hadn’t realized it before. I’m glad they came up. It might have been difficult to come home to my empty house, the snow melted halfway but the front sidewalk actually visible for the first time since November. They will head off to have some more Japanese adventures today, but it has been nice having them here these three days. I think I’m ready for some solo time now though, I have a lot to figure out, a lot to process. Life is at a big turning point right now. I can feel it.
I’ve booked a trip back to Hawaii to get my daughter and bring her here for the summer in early June. The two round trip tickets are another big expense because the airlines know when to jack up prices, when kids are out of school. I will have to book one more round trip for myself and I have to figure out my visa situation, work situation, failing iPhone situation, and more. So much more.
I’m so grateful to be back at my house. So grateful to have my house. So grateful to have a home – a home I can share with others and a home I can retreat to when I’m wounded and need to recover. Spring is here. I’m daily out shoveling the snow into the spring, into the river, waiting for the earth to reveal itself and then I’ll start shoveling dirt, planting, growing, planning. There is so much to do. I’m grateful for that too.